Throughout my life, I concealed exaggerated fears of letting others down. I felt acutely responsible for their disappointment or anger. I felt I mattered to others only to the degree I reflected resilience and tough-mindedness like that of a typical high school jock. Although I had an athletic-shaped body, I lacked the necessary coordination (or something) needed to succeed in team competitions.

Healthy introspection was meant to release us from the prisonhouse of the past failures and self-consciousness. However, sometimes wounds have a way of festering into poisonous thoughts, blame and bitterness. Since I totally loathed pristine, I’ve-got-it-all-together personas, it was rather easy for me to swing to the other side of the pendulum confusing blame for honesty.

As a result, many of my journals spilled over with negativity. The worst part being I didn’t even see how chronic the symptoms were until many years later.

In concluding, if I had to sum this post up in one aphorism, it would be thus stated:

“It is not always easy to check blame, since it is automatic. Furthermore, blame can be confused for honesty.”

~ vincenzo

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