“If we listen to the bad behavior, we have a chance to meet / encounter our fears, our disappointments, our prejudices, and the things we haven’t thought through before.”  — Jane Deeth

It hurts to see you laying there in a cold and sterile space

Helpless in being able to reach you  

For even in close proximity, I always felt you far away  

You’d get angry and unreasonable

For reasons I could never understand

And rather than try to reconcile my ideal world with reality

It was easier to stonewall you from my thoughts  

To face the departure of a loved one I fail to understand

Whose dark and foreboding moods I refused to enter

Coz it defied the happy endings of my Disney scripted world

I try not to look at the familiar family photos

Projected on the funeral chapel wall

For reasons I cannot explain

They produce dissonance to happy feelings

Like facial features inside a Picasso frame

Their random order, or something

Are interruptions to the memories

I seek to knit together but in futility can’t…

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Although writing usually helps clarify my thoughts, sometimes it clouds me over with angst. I not only encounter complex issues that resist translation, I come into collision with my own perceptions. No matter how the words arrange themselves, they look back at me with trifling glances. The deeper I excavate, the less justice accorded to the lived experience. I tackle it in bits and pieces – save it to draft, then return to it another day. I find I can only devote so much time before I’m consumed with heartache and fatigue.

When we believe we are undeserving, we can involuntarily open ourselves to unsuitable company without understanding the damage it may cause. These unsuitable personalities have abilities to decode susceptibility and hoodwink others through false assurances. While being charming on the surface, they are volatile, combative, and disrespectful of boundaries. They maintain a persistent self referential attitude and suck away energy like vampires.

Abusive episodes operate within cycles and begin with measured doses of seductive sweetness, followed by days of increasing tension, then finally erupting into violent verbal and/or physical attacks. They’re called cycles because the sweetness, tension and acting out become a recurring pattern played over and over again like an endless loop cassette.

You come to a startling realization. What seems real is imaginary. You hold on tightly, only to discover it brings instability, desolation and untold stress. This kaleidoscope of emotional upheaval erodes the soul with unpredictable bouts of dissonance.

You let go. You move on. You grieve. You open up to others. You isolate yourself. You realize many are called but few confidants are chosen. In real time grief is too alien a subject. Society at large fails to acknowledge or comprehend it. There is an unspoken aversion to it. Online, writers convey their thoughts through a generic-sounding-scientific lens. Cold and sterile. Colorless depictions.

Grief is an inner work. I came to realize I needed God to give me a new viewfinder, for mine was passed broken and looking through it, I only grew more anxious and fearful, even when reading the Scriptures. It was when I was at dead end of myself with no sense of direction did Christ answer my prayer.

~ vincenzo ©

*parentheses mine

How do you come to terms with the way it was — the way you wished it had been?

Some losses are beyond recovery, because you seek qualities in another he or she never possessed. You hold on tightly maybe for years, only to discover it brings you instability, desolation and untold stress until you can no longer hold on any more.

Grief appears and reappears when you least expect it. Wherever you go, it is a subject too foreign for the general public. Reading about it online only magnifies the pain as most websites approach it through a generic, scientific lens. It looks nothing like the dark forebodings gripping your heart.

Although writing helps to clarify thoughts, you often collide against your own perceptions, unable to trust your senses. No matter how you arrange the words, they look back at you with trifling glances. The deeper you excavate, the less justice accorded to the lived experience. ~ vincenzo ©

for those of us who love you
who choose to see you
beyond outward appearances
we cannot help but admire you
though it’s often difficult
to express exactly why
*
how can i begin to express it?
your casual way?
your pensive questioning looks?
your thousand mute expressions?
**
you abhorred masks and euphemisms
you detested white-washed walls
designed to guard distance
***
for those who love you
you let them see…
a human heart struggling
with all the raw manifestations
****
you never fit the mould
you never even tried…
a right-brained fellow
living in a left-brained world
*****
for those who love you

– who hold you dear
there are no goodbyes
you keep on breathing
… going the extra mile
to challenge the norm

~ vincenzo