childhood trauma

“When I was a child I made up my mind that no one loved me — that life may not be worth it and that love was a conditional transaction between people. When I grew up, I soon learned I was wrong. Children learn wrong things about the world; about life; about love, but I promise you that children don’t think that way without good reasons.

Fortunately, I did learn people do love me and life’s worth living. But I felt that second learning developed much later than early on, because I know when I’m stressed out, when I’m hurt, when I feel betrayed or when I’ve really screwed up something or hurt someone, I relapse into being that little child who believes there is no love in this world.”  ~ Jee Hyun Kim

 

emotional validation (1)

Heightened sensitivity has occupied a prominent place in my head and heart.  As a boy, I’d often gaze at the reflection in windows or mirrors to look at my face. Although I could vaguely recognize or detect it, invalidation permeated my environment. Little by little the emotionally toxic world sowed self-doubt within my sensitive nature. I tried to decipher what triggered the contempt. Why were only some children targeted while others favored? Was it my dark skin, my slower speech or my hesitancy?

When growing up, resources about emotional issues were scarce. Internet was still in its mother’s womb. In order to survive, I grew up out of touch with my emotions. By example, I learned to express pain as little as possible. To complicate matters, communication was minuscule in my family of origin. Thus, I felt unworthy, though I pretended none of the antagonism was having any effect on me.

Self-esteem comes with healing. A background full of pain, anger and sadness often creates dependency without realizing it. When Christ’s love becomes a reality, you begin to feel less compelled to seek approval, and yet it takes time to process insecure attachment, especially when it is the driving force behind all your endeavors.

~ vincenzo ©

 

heightened emotional responses

“From the first moments of life, our being strives to be in harmony with our surroundings and with each other.” ~ Dr. Sharon Keller

I know what it is to want to belong and yet be unable to. When you face the tears and ongoing agony of a long term unnamed condition, you value every insight that comes your way. I remember being a socially receptive child, but as I grew older, I began feeling more out of place without knowing why. I put on a facade, yet below the surface, I couldn’t make sense of the loud, hard-hitting, competitive climate that prevailed each day.

I adopted a cool detached persona in order to survive. As a loyal people pleaser, I found it exhausting to keep in step with boisterous community standards. There was no escaping the commotion: The desire to be left alone, the necessity of down time, the strain of trying to make sense of social dynamics – made daily life a painful boot-camp existence.

Without a plan of action, having a highly-sensitized temperament is debilitating. It adversely affects your relationships when your heightened emotional responses include unresolved codependency issues.  Without meaning to, you approach love from a place of scarcity.  From a subconscious level, this insecure attachment interferes with your strong need for connection.
~ vincenzo ©

 

emotional validation (2)

Emotional Validation awakens an interest in me perhaps because it was scarce while growing up. Ridicule, reprimand, rejection and sarcasm on the other hand were the order of the day. These made daily interactions painful, intimidating and confusing. As a boy, I’d often gaze at the reflection in windows or mirrors to look at my face. I wondered how my visage could trigger such intense despising and contempt. Was it my dark skin, my slower speech or my hesitancy?

When I was growing up resources about emotional issues were also scarce. Personal computers and/or Internet access were not dreamed possible. There were no online forums, support groups or blogs to compare notes. In order to survive, sensitive souls had little light with which to navigate, so they grew up out of touch with their emotions. By example, they learned to suppress pain as much as possible.

As adults, many sensitive people have chronic difficulty identifying feelings. They are susceptible to indecision, self-doubt, anxiety and irrational fears. They experience emotional instability including a gnawing sense of emptiness. Some become incoherent in their verbal communication when over-aroused, fatigued or distressed. These issues may or may not interfere with their work, yet for me when work is finished, I am usually drained and unfit for any other kind of activity.

For those who exercise and pay attention to their nutritional needs, these go a long way to maintaining a more stable emotional system, yet for all the inner work and personal development, parts will always remain vulnerable.

It is imperative to raise awareness of the need to model Emotional Validation even when it is generally disregarded. Here is one example of EV and the difference it may make.

Why You Need A Good Relationship With Difficult Students

~ vincenzo ©

* “Emotional validation is the process of learning about, understanding, and expressing acceptance of another person’s emotional experience. Emotional validation is distinguished from emotional invalidation, in which another person’s emotional experiences are rejected, ignored, or judged.” — http://www.about.com

 

my story

As a child I sensed I was different and somehow set apart from the herd.  Although I sought to camouflage myself, sometimes my emotional sensibility would leak out.  I didn’t know what sensory overload signified back then, yet I vividly recall how too much stimuli could leave me overwhelmed, incoherent, and exhausted.  On top of that list I also had few social skills.  In my family of origin communication was overshadowed by emotional upheaval and the need to keep up appearances.

My life was a mix of childlike joy and competitive misery.  I remember summer vacations, the playful titillation of sunshine and breeze on my icy cold wet skin after a long swim, trekking home with my best friend — our fingertips dipped in bright orange from synthetic cheese puffs. However these and other Disneyesque scenes interspersed themselves among many boot-camp segments where I had no idea what was being asked of me. Coaches and fellow players yelling or ridiculing me for my latest blunders. I never questioned these uncivil acts, but assumed they were fully justified.

Although school life dragged on in its tiresome/tedious way, one day something unusual happened.  I don’t remember what the speech was about nor the name of the student. I just remember the effect her storytelling had upon me. We were in third grade. She was a slim East Indian girl with charming Asian eyes and an intelligent sounding soft voice. I remember her unassuming literary style, disarming me with her playfulness and uncommon wisdom. After that speech, a subtle creative process of mitosis began. A love for words awakened. Little by little, I started enjoying classic literature, creative writing and dabbling in motivational talks.

Later as an adult, I began reading about the Highly Sensitive Person (HSP) and how many HSPs are creative/gifted. The challenging side however, is they also have neurotransmitters making them vulnerable to emotionally intense environments. I was most relieved to finally view my childhood through this benevolent and insightful perspective.

~ vincenzo

 

low-maintenance children

“Being a low-maintenance child or partner (a nice word for self-neglect) is idealized as a valuable attribute.” – Charlotte Z. Cavatica

Many children who cannot rely upon their immediate environment to meet their needs, become as low-maintenance as possible. Some refer to this as an avoidant personality. Beneath their tough exterior, some develop exaggerated fears of letting others down and feel acutely responsible for others’ disappointment and anger. ~ vincenzo ©

 

believing God

Will we reach our dreams? Does anyone care? Sometimes the biggest obstacle to believing is imagining God to be like most humans: fickle, distant, uncaring and/or judgmental. Indeed, it requires a powerful kind of listening to see through God the Father’s tender loving eyes. As Viktor Frankl states, “Between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.”

~ vincenzo ©

 

owners of truth…

My host country was one day away from celebrating Children’s Day. As a result the talk at church focused upon the nature of children and their rights. Whether or not it was true, the lady speaker commented on how we live in an adult-centered world where children are subjected to the whims of adults. She said with a commanding, yet constrained voice words to this effect:

“Adults often act as if they the owners of truth. Although society idealizes youth (as a way of marketing products) it treats them as irresponsible beings…”

She finished by pointing out how Jesus not only defended children, but considered them to be the ultimate model because of their believing, trustful nature.

My ears had a difficult time stomaching these words, not because of the content, but the icy/defensive/bossy tone in which they were delivered. As I reflected further, I began to examine my own incongruency — how many of my reactions seemed to follow a subconscious script emanating from the wounded self. It mirrored how I was treated as a child. The only drawback to the red lights on my dash was how they consistently advised me too late.