When you believe you are undeserving you open yourself to unsuitable company who hoodwink you through false assurances.
~ vincenzo ©

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“To love or have loved, that is enough. Ask nothing further. There is no other pearl to be found in the dark folds of life.” ~ Victor Hugo, Les Miserables

One year ago at this time, a friendship began that never got off the ground. It left me feeling perplexed and relieved at once. For someone who likes to know what they’re getting into before diving in, colliding with Inconsistency is never a great feeling. It’s a vicious pattern where each time you arrange something, something else comes along. You don’t want to admit defeat too soon, so you listen and observe. Until finally, you stop second-guessing yourself and quietly back out.

It is impossible to see the end from the beginning. You fill your heart with anticipation then chastise yourself for being so gullible. Some experiences are like snake skin waiting to be shed. You enter only to realize you are outside again. Nevertheless, there is no gain without some risk taking. As Mari Ruti wrote, “Life is about showing generosity even in the face of uncertainty”. It is never in vain to show attentiveness even when it is not reciprocated, for love avoidance doesn’t make caring expressions any less valuable.

~ vincenzo ©

Sometimes it feels as if I’m in love, but I have enough discernment to know the difference. I know when my imagination is running away on me.

This person seeks me out whenever she is down and out. She opens up like a little child. She discloses frustrations with endearing expressions as her big eyes redden with tears. These sporadic confessions create the illusion of closeness. However, when all is well she returns to her love-avoidant self.

She is sometimes careless and lets her mask slip with touchy, out-of control anger and a creepy ability to redefine reality.

Having a compassionate heart means trying to sort out contradictions. Not only hers but my own. It looks all clear down on paper, but reality is often obscure and confusing. Nevertheless, I want my subtext to this person to read:

“I hope it will become increasingly clear I’m not looking for love or romance, just someone to connect with once in awhile.”

~ vincenzo ©

Whoever seeks to change anyone but himself, only adds to the misery he wishes to eliminate. ~ vincenzo ©

“Life is not a matter of changing our temperament, but learning to manage the one we have.” ~ vincenzo ©

It was one of those rainy days when my daughter had experienced a chaotic drama rehearsal. It made her want to pack up and quit theatre altogether. Unlike my usual self, the following words occurred to me:

“In an ideal world, people show up on time, people never get upset and everything works perfectly, but that is rarely the reality we live. How much can we learn from those that are unruffled when everything seems to be falling apart. How beautiful it is to transcend circumstances rather than let them dictate how we feel, act or respond.”

~ vincenzo

Insecure love – that choppy, messed-up way of caring – operates from extreme to extreme in families: tossing us about from royal treatment to out-of-control behaviour. It is like looking through whale eyes. You cannot see what is in front of you, but only from lateral sides – each view completely different from the other. On one side all is peace and love; on the other wretched hail storms of emotion. And so the pendulum swings from one side to the other … blindsided or harpooned.

I entered teaching where conflict intervention was mandatory. The ups and downs produced sea-sickening panic attacks. I always excelled as a student, but this new kind of test exacerbated my nerves. I either flew under the radar or risked losing control. I didn’t seem to have any middle ground.

Don’t ask me how I learned more redemptive responses. I haven’t reached that far in my contemplations.

~ vincenzo