distorted mirrors

When you believe you are undeserving you open yourself to unsuitable company who hoodwink you through false assurances.
~ vincenzo ©

 

generosity

“To love or have loved, that is enough. Ask nothing further. There is no other pearl to be found in the dark folds of life.” ~ Victor Hugo, Les Miserables

One year ago at this time, a friendship began that never got off the ground. It left me feeling perplexed and relieved at once. For someone who likes to know what they’re getting into before diving in, colliding with Inconsistency is never a great feeling. It’s a vicious pattern where each time you arrange something, something else comes along. You don’t want to admit defeat too soon, so you listen and observe. Until finally, you stop second-guessing yourself and quietly back out.

It is impossible to see the end from the beginning. You fill your heart with anticipation then chastise yourself for being so gullible. Some experiences are like snake skin waiting to be shed. You enter only to realize you are outside again. Nevertheless, there is no gain without some risk taking. As Mari Ruti wrote, “Life is about showing generosity even in the face of uncertainty”. It is never in vain to show attentiveness even when it is not reciprocated, for love avoidance doesn’t make caring expressions any less valuable.

~ vincenzo ©

 

unrequited love

Sometimes it feels as if I’m in love, but I have enough discernment to know the difference. I know when my imagination is running away on me.

This person seeks me out whenever she is down and out. She opens up like a little child. She discloses frustrations with endearing expressions as her big eyes redden with tears. These sporadic confessions create the illusion of closeness. However, when all is well she returns to her love-avoidant self.

She is sometimes careless and lets her mask slip with touchy, out-of control anger and a creepy ability to redefine reality.

Having a compassionate heart means trying to sort out contradictions. Not only hers but my own. It looks all clear down on paper, but reality is often obscure and confusing. Nevertheless, I want my subtext to this person to read:

“I hope it will become increasingly clear I’m not looking for love or romance, just someone to connect with once in awhile.”

~ vincenzo ©

 

on changing others

Whoever seeks to change anyone but himself, only adds to the misery he wishes to eliminate. ~ vincenzo ©

 

temperament

“Life is not a matter of changing our temperament, but learning to manage the one we have.” ~ vincenzo ©

 

a calming effect

It was one of those rainy days when my daughter had experienced a chaotic drama rehearsal. It made her want to pack up and quit theatre altogether. Unlike my usual self, the following words occurred to me:

“In an ideal world, people show up on time, people never get upset and everything works perfectly, but that is rarely the reality we live. How much can we learn from those that are unruffled when everything seems to be falling apart. How beautiful it is to transcend circumstances rather than let them dictate how we feel, act or respond.”

~ vincenzo

 

insecure love

Insecure love – that choppy, messed-up way of caring – operates from extreme to extreme in families: tossing us about from royal treatment to out-of-control behaviour. It is like looking through whale eyes. You cannot see what is in front of you, but only from lateral sides – each view completely different from the other. On one side all is peace and love; on the other wretched hail storms of emotion. And so the pendulum swings from one side to the other … blindsided or harpooned.

I entered teaching where conflict intervention was mandatory. The ups and downs produced sea-sickening panic attacks. I always excelled as a student, but this new kind of test exacerbated my nerves. I either flew under the radar or risked losing control. I didn’t seem to have any middle ground.

Don’t ask me how I learned more redemptive responses. I haven’t reached that far in my contemplations.

~ vincenzo

 

silent brooding

 

lotus

life is a meadow
subdued with greenish brown attitudes
teeming with life forms
motives hidden from view
Creator God
you adorn the dismal waters
sending majestic blue from above
kaleidoscopic sky reflections
twittering crickets, intoning birds
amorphous crooning and droning
from high and low lying creatures
nature’s orchestra resonates
yet, the crowning touch
God’s ornamental ecstasy
His untamed culmination
is the Lotus
her unrivaled beauty
captivates artist and writer
white exotic petals of splendor
sit upon leafy pads of verdure
her loveliness stands out
overcoming dreary surroundings
gracing life with her delicate charisma
…boldness, and self-assurance
without being told
natives call her “lovely flower”
eminence of her character
title of intrinsic worth

~ vincenzo

 

role playing

The big day had arrived. I had been interviewed as a volunteer counsellor and had been accepted. Finally, the day of the workshop came, the kind where you don’t know you collapse until it’s all over. When I least expected it, I suffered one of those notable attacks of anxiety, before a group of total strangers. It happened during an innocent role playing activity, the kind I sought so hard to avoid. What everyone else saw as a mere exercise, loomed large as a life-threatening situation.

I had the misfortune of playing the role of a supposed “wise and experienced” counselor while applying some newly learned therapeutic techniques. I felt like an oxymoron. As was my custom — when it came to dramatization — I went into a tail spin and crashed. My mind went foggy. I felt rigidly self-conscious, insecure and defeated even before I began. It was altogether disorienting.

Nevertheless, when leaving the workshop, I sensed a strange combination of relief and exhaustion. Although my temples pulsated with a dull ache, what surprised me was my ability to reframe the event. I became acutely aware how altered I felt. Before I would feel the urgent need to defend my blundering performance; write the supervisor a long e-mail to apologize and all sorts of other gymnastics, but this time I felt an inexplicable calm. This time I accepted my actions knowing I had done my best in spite of torped fits of momentary panic.

~ vincenzo