Although writing usually helps clarify my thoughts, sometimes it clouds me over with angst. I not only encounter complex issues that resist translation, I come into collision with my own perceptions. No matter how the words arrange themselves, they look back at me with trifling glances. The deeper I excavate, the less justice accorded to the lived experience. I tackle it in bits and pieces – save it to draft, then return to it another day. I find I can only devote so much time before I’m consumed with heartache and fatigue.

When we believe we are undeserving, we can involuntarily open ourselves to unsuitable company without understanding the damage it may cause. These unsuitable personalities have abilities to decode susceptibility and hoodwink others through false assurances. While being charming on the surface, they are volatile, combative, and disrespectful of boundaries. They maintain a persistent self referential attitude and suck away energy like vampires.

Abusive episodes operate within cycles and begin with measured doses of seductive sweetness, followed by days of increasing tension, then finally erupting into violent verbal and/or physical attacks. They’re called cycles because the sweetness, tension and acting out become a recurring pattern played over and over again like an endless loop cassette.

You come to a startling realization. What seems real is imaginary. You hold on tightly, only to discover it brings instability, desolation and untold stress. This kaleidoscope of emotional upheaval erodes the soul with unpredictable bouts of dissonance.

You let go. You move on. You grieve. You open up to others. You isolate yourself. You realize many are called but few confidants are chosen. In real time grief is too alien a subject. Society at large fails to acknowledge or comprehend it. There is an unspoken aversion to it. Online, writers convey their thoughts through a generic-sounding-scientific lens. Cold and sterile. Colorless depictions.

Grief is an inner work. I came to realize I needed God to give me a new viewfinder, for mine was passed broken and looking through it, I only grew more anxious and fearful, even when reading the Scriptures. It was when I was at dead end of myself with no sense of direction did Christ answer my prayer.

~ vincenzo ©

*parentheses mine

When you face the tears and ongoing agony of codependence, you value every insight that comes your way. You hang on to each word of wisdom as it speaks to you. Not just any words will do. You can identify which ones, by the intense need to return to them as steady reminders.

What follows are treasured excerpts from John Bradshaw’s book, “Home Coming: Reclaiming and Championing Your Inner Child”.

~ vincenzo ©

“Some of us may have difficulty trusting ourselves to meet our needs and therefore think we need someone else to meet them.

We have difficulty trusting others so we feel we have to be in control all the time.

We fail to detect body signals such as not being aware how tired we are.

We may feel we don’t belong anywhere or to anyone.

In social situations we may be invisible so no one notices us, yet not even be aware why we do this.

We may attempt to make ourselves indispensable to others to make sure they will not leave us.

We may have a great need to be touched or hugged that could make us vulnerable to bonding too soon, too deep with someone we don’t even know and who could even be harmful to us.

We may have an obsessive need to be valued and may have difficulty establishing boundaries for fear that others may not like those boundaries.

We may isolate ourselves out of fear that people might end up rejecting us or we might end up rejecting them.

Some of us are gullible and don’t see other people’s hidden agenda or else we see the hidden agenda but go along with it all the same.”

Throughout youth, many children seek to fix or “unbe” themselves. Their social role call them to adopt a highly charged, extroverted front — to cover their highly sensible, introverted nature. Regardless of their true temperament, they matter to others only to the extent they reflect the resilience and tough-mindedness of the high school jock or spirited cheerleader. ~ vincenzo ©

When you believe you are undeserving you open yourself to unsuitable company who hoodwink you through false assurances.
~ vincenzo ©

Never settle for a partner who confuses résumés for poetry. ~ vincenzo ©

What makes this technological age disturbing is how those in power are deciding for us what we will watch, what we will listen to, what we will wear, what we will eat, what medicine to take and even what we will believe. It is a world stripped of values where only external attributes and financial status matter. This emphasis on personality and self-promotion have produced a vacuum in the center of the human soul.

~ vincenzo ©

Whoever seeks to change anyone but himself, only adds to the misery he wishes to eliminate. ~ vincenzo ©